When Life Gives You Lemons…

It’s been a while since I’ve written. The truth is, I haven’t been able to wrap my heart around the fact that I am going to have surgery this Fall and thus, have refrained from writing about it.

My husband and I met with the surgeon last Friday. He thinks that I’m a great candidate for the J-Pouch surgery and I can’t tell if I’m relieved or dreadful.  I know this is best for me in the big picture but I am terrified. Worries of how I’m going to care for my children after both surgeries and how they’re going to adjust have been consuming my every thought. I am noticing myself withdrawing and isolating which only contributes to my feelings of being lonely in this but I can’t help myself. Nobody wants to hear about my fears every second of every day… even I’m getting tired of the broken record in my mind.

Aside from the emotional part of this, my constant anxiety is making me more sick. I’ve been constantly running to the bathroom, afraid to leave my house. It’s frustrating.

In my head I know, this is best; this is going to drastically improve my overall quality of life and protect me from the dangers of my medications and colon cancer. However, in my heart I am so worried about my babies and how they will adjust to me being so under the weather for as long as I’ll need to be. I’m concerned about who’s going to do my laundry and cook my family meals, how will I vacuum the dog hair off the couch, who will make sure my boys brush their back teeth when I can’t move from the couch, who will take them to the playground when they need to get some energy out? The questions and worries are endless and all consuming.

I am trying and praying. I hope that God’s peace washes over me soon so that I can enjoy these next couple months with my kids before surgery in November.

Pray for me.

You Have 3 Choices And They All Suck

There’s this face that my doctor makes whenever she walks into the exam room having read in her notes that I am still not in remission. It’s like a mixture between absolute concern and pity. With her brows furrowed, and that look on her face, today she listed off three options.

1. Join a clinical study for an oral drug that is not yet, but close to being approved by the FDA for people with Ulcerative Colitis who failed at achieving remission with Humira. Because it’s a clinical study, everything is completely covered but I am essentially the guinea pig.

2. Be referred and admitted to a university type setting (I.e. The Cleveland Clinic) to be evaluated and hopefully something innovative would come along to try that would put me in remission.

3. Get a referral to talk to a colorectal surgeon about the J Pouch surgery.

So kids, it looks like I’ll be meeting with a surgeon that my specialist highly recommends to talk more about moving forward with having my colon removed. In the meantime, I’ll be joining the clinical study. The one good piece of news I got today was that she wants me to do a rapid taper off the prednisone so I’ll be done with that in about 3 weeks as opposed to October.

I am not sure what to think. I am emotional and anxious about the whole thing. But today my husband looked me in the eye and said, “I know you’re afraid of this surgery, but I’m afraid of the long term side effects of all these drugs you take. I don’t care if you have a bag, or a pouch or anything else, I just care that I have you.”

So, despite the fact that I am terrified, I owe it to him and my boys to do everything in my power to be here for the long haul with them.

I am scared. But I am strong.